Saturday, January 7, 2012


[sunlight kisses]

[cousins playing]

[joy. photo by my sweet niece.]

[birthday table for bell]

[sketching while hubby paints]

Balance. My soul craves it.

I find that when I put out too much, I need time to re-energize.... recenter myself. I'm just now realizing that I need this.

Balance is a fleeting thing... you are always one way or the other, the scales balancing just briefly in between... but that's where the respite is. It is in passing moments. A breathe when I'm overwhelmed... the way the sun catches Bella's golden hair... a few hours at night sitting and being.

I find balance between the output and input is so important. Balance between being present in the day or present on the web. Out and about or resting for the day. Energy into thinking or energy into doing. Creating one thing by one medium or another. Balance between sharing everything and keeping all the sweet moments to myself. I often find myself pouring out instead of pouring in. At least lately after these long two months it has felt that way. I came up short with what I had left to give today and just had to accept that was how it was. Some days I just accept that this day I'm not going to be supermama. A walk and a snuggle is better than trying to get it all accomplished, better for my soul and better for my girls.

 I'm striving to find balance between what I've been taught and how I feel. I'm allowing myself to dig and mull over emotions, thoughts, mindframes, and leading. It's not easy to let go of things.
My soul's music lately has come in the form of cellist Zoe Keating. It's thoughtful and constant.... the way finding balance is.

Balance is a mindframe. Even when my surroundings are uncontrollable, I can still remain balanced and patient.

Can't help but not

['Travels' by me.]

It was the words of my aunt during one conversation that spoke to me.

I find myself floating through my morning, cello music singing by as I flit from thing to thing, sketching here, dreaming there, all the while holding a little one in my arms, playing tea party and cleaning up messes.

For though I am a mama, I am still a creative soul. Even though time is short, the inspiration still is there. Drifting through different mediums, almost overwhelmingly. I find it exhausting sometimes. Not all days are like this, but when they come, my heart feels full, almost spilling over, with creation and desire. It is my own undoing.

It was then that she said it, "You can't help but not." Yes. That was it. I can't help but create.

I had a band director that poo pooed a student for wanting to learn several instruments, because he would never master any of them. I feel that is true for myself. But I have come to terms with that, and that is okay for me. Because what is the point of creating if not for yourself? Surely not for others, for there is no true gratification in that. Wherein lies the satisfaction of creating... creating something that hasn't yet been. A melody, a lyric, a painting, a garment, a photo, a feeling, a moment. Where lies the appreciation for the fine things. They are first felt by the soul, then transformed into something tangible. Through the soul this transition occurs. Dig deep.

I won't go down my laundry list of creating, for I think that a creative person can do all creative things, maybe we are all creative and need to leave space for that creation?

I love beauty, I love expression, I love creation. Was this not the beginning of all things.... creation.

And so continues the quest for self-exploration. Welcome.

[self portrait, Nov. 2011]