Ebb and Flow

It's a time of ebb and flow for us. Letting things in and letting things go. I feel free and rested and peaceful currently. I'm welcoming the summer time with taking a deep breathe and turning my face up to the sun. At the end of April we stood on the brink of moving to Colorado for a few months, and decided the timing just wasn't right, and we are content with that decision made in just a week. We went from drastic extremes from going to not going over 7 long days, but when the time came, it just didn't feel right. We don't feel like we are setting our dreams down, just choosing which path will take us there. And the job offer is still open ended, so if we feel the time is right, we can take it later in the summer, or next time around, which was like breathing a breath of fresh air to hear.
Physically my body has felt the stress - the stress of money, the stress of unsurety - and I feel like I'm just now pulling out of it. I'm giving myself more grace, taking time to ease down and into what I need to do and want to do. More quality time, with my girls, as a family, and alone. All important aspects of emotional healthiness.

Yummy meals, sitting in the sun, playing in the water, reading a good book have filled our days. This is of course between the cleaning messes, errand running, and moderating sibling fights but even those feel a little more graceful, a little more purposeful.

I have had these thoughts swirling around my head for a while, and thought I would blog when I had it all figured out. But I came to the conclusion, I may never figure out life, so I might as well just live it.


So here's to living.

Moving
Breathing
Living
Being

Documenting

One of the things I love the most about photography is documenting life. It's ups and downs, ins and outs, good and bad. I can go through my photos and know exactly how I was feeling at that time, it's like etching the memory into my brain, it comes to the surface much more quickly than trying to recall something that I don't have a photo of. This day was effortless. A low-key Saturday, with a few errands, a good outfit, and a lot of sunshine. The hubs had the kids playing outside while I played with my camera. I put together this outfit based on a photo I found on pinterest. I felt beautiful. Not solely based on what I was wearing, just a general feeling of well-being. This skirt/dress has special meaning to me. I found it trying to find something to wear to my grandfather's viewing, almost exactly a year ago. I wore it during a time of family togetherness, when my brother was home and my family was around our extended family a lot. Celebrating life and contemplating death.

Peace is something I'm constantly in search of.
Peace in my thoughts,
peace in my family,

peace in my heart.

In my mind

[garden - just before our tomatoes stopped producing from the heat. this is my sacred space. growing our food.]

[ellie, along with all of us, has fallen in love with tomatoes. she carries them with her everywhere.]

[a bird's eye view of what little girls do.]

[oh, bella.]

[what moms do when the husbands are watching the kids. get dressed up and take pictures.]

[i didn't know glacier national park was trendy, found this top at target.]

[my beating heart.]

[bella's newest artwork. she constantly amazes me. bottom drawing is from her daddy.]

We've been hunkered down, riding the tumultuousness that is life. Nothing too serious. Just life. Sickness, happiness, job status.

There are ups and downs to not having a television. I don't have the opportunity to check out, so my mind is always on. We've said time and time again that we love not having it. But then, there is no opportunity for my mind to check out, so it IS always on. It can be exhausting at times. I think this is just my personality. Dealing in real life circumstances rather than letting my mind wander to not real life. Maybe a little respite from the real world indulging in a little book now and again would do me some good.

I think this is just where life is for us right now. Constantly living on the edge.. stress eats at the edges of me and I'm constantly trying to breathe through it. Yoga has really been amazing for me, my body loves it, my mind loves it. My phrase that I've been repeating to myself lately is, "Anger makes nothing better." Simple and straightforward, it really clicked with me a few weeks back. Whenever I want to be angry about something, especially something silly, I choose another emotion instead... I feel like it's allowed me to love more deeply. Actually learning these life lessons and not just reading a verse has deepened my spirituality. I feel it, I know it, I live it.

Some lovely moments we've had lately: trips to the beach, chalk drawing, wandering through the garden, snuggles, laughter, good food, slowness.

I'm ready for a journey.








 

Mornings with little girls

Mornings with little girls from Betsy Vedder on Vimeo.

I've been playing with the video camera on my Nikon and am loving it. I documented a little morning time with my littles.... these times are so precious. Just trying to soak them up.

Self-love

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with self-love. My ability to love others is endless, but when I draw for the love for myself, I come up short. I'm not saying I'm a saint. I'm sure I'm selfish, rotten, bratty, and snobbish at times. But loving my soul, my faults, my body, my most inward thoughts took a long time.


I grew up insecure, struggling with loving my pondering ways, pensive thoughts, outward body since I was very young. The only cure for this is time, gentle journeys.


As a follower of Jesus, I struggled to see what was special about me, why anyone would sacrifice themselves for me? I'm sure I'm not worth it.As time has given me wisdom, I see the foolishness in not loving myself, in not seeing the uniqueness of myself was just as sacred as others around me.



I feel like this deficiency in loving self affects more than just myself. If we focused on loving ourselves truly, would we have more love to give to others? Rather than indulging in selfish ways to give us a false sense of self-worth, accepting ourselves and others. In brief glimpses, I see myself as how God may see me, beloved. I fall short daily and come down on myself for my shortcomings, but I know what spaces need work and tending and have accepted and love my good and my bad. I know not everyone shares my beliefs, but I'm sure we can all agree everyone can use more love. More inwardly love and more outwardly love.


It is important as a mother to know this love, as I'm raising the next generation of little women, capable of great love. Aspects of each individual makes each one lovely.

I am now into my late 20's and love myself wholly. I love who I am as a person, as a wife, and a mother to two beautiful girls. It took time to get here, but I'm thankful for that journey. Doing good things for myself helps me love my outward body. Good, real food, gentle thoughts, no comparing to anyone else. I have always bounced back and forth between dance and pilates, never really committing, but always staying active.


I am ready to move onto my next journey and incorporate exercise that loves my body and mind. 

I've committed to practice yoga for 30 days, on good days and bad, taking time to leave space to exercise and feel energized. I feel like this is the best choice of exercise for me, I have been wanting to make it second nature for some time now, and there is no better time to start than now.


Self-love is the meaning for this valentine's day for me. Will you join me?


I'm sharing this journey with these other lovely women - Laura, Elisabeth, Bekah, and Mandy, and whomever chooses to join us!

There are no rules, only goals.










Write about your goals and link-up here or at any of those lovely ladies' blogs. For a little encouragement, here is the video that helped me make my commitment.







And a calendar to keep you on track.










At the end my yoga commitment, I will write about my journey, how it has made me feel, what I've learned and what I'd like to continue. Feel free to chronicle your own journey.

Define

[sunrise in St. Augustine]




[family vacation]





[little steps]




[bubble blowing]




[fresh-picked strawberry]




[precious]



 




What is it that defines me?

 I've come to learn that material possessions don't make me.... me. If I were to lose my car, my clothes, my house.... I would still be me. It's not always an easy thing to see. Releasing material things is freeing.... and scary. Allowing me to be content in me.

I have been allowing myself to feel these things, to sit and be present in these emotions. I wasn't aware of the importance of this until I reached my later 20's. To be okay with the emotions that I'm experiencing and aware of the process that it takes to go through them.

It's hard not to let despair settle in when life seems unsure. With life so quick-paced as it is today, it's easy to get lost in the shuffle, to become accustomed to how comfortable you are... it's easy to lose sight that nothing tangible makes up any part of you. It's like the concept of buying an instrument. Having a guitar doesn't make me a musician, the act of playing the instrument makes me a musician. If I were to lose the guitar, I would still be a musician.


 With all these things stripped, what then is left? What do I love that defines who I am.

I love

playing music
putting my hands in dirt
smelling incense
feeling the cool air before a rain storm
sewing
painting
dancing
rocking my baby
experiencing
doing.

These things are intangible, these emotions, the qualities of a person.

I may have to learn and relearn this concept, and I'll allow myself the space to do it. It's a valuable lesson.

Tomatoes

[green]




[fruits of our labor]



[deliciousness]



[lost in the garden]







[little gardeners]


We are having a love affair with tomatoes. Plump, tender, beautiful tomatoes. They are beginning to ripen and we have a fresh tomato everyday. Our garden is being consumed by tomato plants and it's hard to scoot by to tend to everything. Every morning we greet the garden and search out the ripe ones. They are the most beautiful with fresh dew on them. I prepare them at night with a little olive oil and salt and pepper, a perfect appetizer for each and every dinner. What an adventure growing food is. I thought I would learn about gardening, but I have learned more about myself. I've learned that anything worthwhile takes time Lessons are best learned by doing... even failing. Good food is worth it. The way people have grown food since the ancient days. Traditions passed down from generation to generation. Closeness with the earth and all creation.

Why is it that the soul craves the earth? Why do babies stop crying and listen when you step outside? Why do fingers seem at home when they dig deep in rich soil? Simple tasks like watering and pruning quiet the soul and mind.

Step outside and listen.